In 2020 I started to have dreams of a femme person, clad in red, riding a horse out of the ocean as though she was birthed by the water. On the side of the beach was another version of herself, a younger version of herself, watching her. I didn’t know what the vision fully entailed, but what I knew was that the vision had something to do with sexual assault, with retrieving oneself.
At the beginning of 2021 I had another vision of a horse; this time it came to me where I was riding the horse, where I felt a deep union with the horse, and I could feel it’s raw power.
I knew that horse medicine was coming to me to show me something, and I leaned into it and wrote Retrieval.
It wasn’t so much that I decided to be in Retrieval, more that I knew from the beginning that I was gonna be in it. Then came the moment where I realized that I, as a non-horse rider, would have to learn how to ride a horse in order to actually execute the vision of the film.
Lol.
I started horse riding lessons in LA in the summer of 2021 during pre-production. It was a deeply profound and healing experience for me.
One of the most profound things I learned from horse-riding is that horses are great teachers in boundaries. If they don’t want you around, or if you disrespect them, they will kick the shit out of you. They’re firm, they’re clear, and they’re direct if you approach them incorrectly.
They’re also gentle, tender, kind, and deep listeners. Horses can feel / tell you aura as you approach them. If you’re calm, they’ll be calm. If you’re agitated, they’ll feel that and get agitated. When you ride, if you make a slight adjustment to your posture, they’ll feel that and move with you. They’re masters in the art of subtle communication, they listen with their full presence.
Which is a different, and deeply healing form of care for anyone who is a survivor of violence of any kind, who has experienced their boundaries getting crossed. To be in relationship, good relationship, with each other means to be fully present with each other. It means that you can’t lie, because your energy can’t lie. It’s to abandon the ego and to show up, and to build that connection earnestly and openly with another, to go at the pace of trust, and to be so attentive to each other that a small change in someone’s body or energy can be felt.
Another lesson that I learned in my riding lessons was one around care, both pre-care and after-care. Before I rode my horse, I had to care for it. I would brush the horse, pick out any dirt in its hooves, and oil its hair. I would wash it’s face tenderly, and spend time just tending to the horse, grooming, and letting our touch connect. This was such a deep process in building relational care, by just spending time taking care of another being, almost as an asking of permission if I could ride. By doing this, I could also tune into the horse: was it agitated? Did it seem tired? Excited? Was it in need of rest? And just spending time focusing on the horse, focusing on care, allowing for an exchange that wasn’t just transactional.
After the ride, I would do the same thing—aftercare. I would spent time making sure that the horse was okay, tending to it, grooming it. These were often my favorite parts of horse-riding, the pre- and after-care. It made me think so much about the idea of care, and what care would look like if we could show up more intentionally, more slowly and deliberately in our relationships. If we could spend time attuning to another before rushing in, demanding something. If we could spend time after, debriefing, holding each other tenderly, nurturing each other in this way.
What I also didn’t know about horses, because of how I often associate them with being regal and majestic, is that they are prey. They are actually often attacked in the wild by wolves or dogs, and can be quite vulnerable. Just a small thing I learned about how looks and preconceptions aren’t always accurate.
And…. Now Retrieval is out in the world!!
It’s here!
Please watch, share, send to people you love, etc.
Thank you for being on this journey with me!
Watch Here: